Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
