Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
