I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
