Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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