Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
