My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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