I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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