even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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