2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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