you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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