Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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