when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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