M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
