remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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