I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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