I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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