im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he puts the penis in happiness.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
