i may or may not be watching the land before time
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
