i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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