so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
