You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
