I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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