I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
