So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
