I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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