So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
