He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
