I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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