Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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