guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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