thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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