he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
