When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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