My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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