This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
