she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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