I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
