mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
