DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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