Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
