Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
