she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize