Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
