my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Even my vagina gasped.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
