Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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