Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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