you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
