All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
