He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
