so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
