theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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