oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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