If that was your dad, he is hot
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
