I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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