my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
