Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
