I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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