Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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