i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
