I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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